"I Have The Dick, So I Make The Rules"

What a New Year's weekend.

What a crazy past year.

What a crazy life.

What the fuck?!?

I still can't believe what happened this weekend. "Jane" and I had been having great conversations leading up to what was supposed to be the first of many good times spent together New Year's Eve in Lexington, KY. Before Christmas, the last time I spoke to her was Christmas Eve, and everything was going well. I wasn't able to call her over the Christmas weekend because I was spending time with my folks. But she was on my mind the whole time, and when I came back home Monday, I was getting more and more excited knowing that only five days remained until I traveled to see her.

But this is me, and this was still 2004, the worst year of my life. That Monday Jane sent me an e-mail saying that she was pulling out of the meeting, and not for some legitimate reason, like her daughter was sick, or she was sick, or her mom was sick. No, she was pulling out because she just had "a bad feeling" that something bad would happen if she came to meet me. I spent the next few days talking to Jane on the phone and begging her to see my side of things, how bad I wanted to meet her, how nothing bad was going to happen, how I had already put out for the airfare and hotel for no other reason than to come see her. No dice. She just had a bad feeling. She tried to tie her daughter into this "bad feeling" shit, saying that it would be two whole nights that her 18-month-old would be staying with her father, and she was just so worried because it would be the longest she had ever been separated from her that long. I tried to come up with all kinds of solutions. I told her that I would get another room just for them and she would never be out of her sight. I had my friend Cassandra speak to her for 15 minutes basically serving as a character witness for me. I begged her to just come meet me, out in public at the airport so that I wouldn't have the chance to do anything bad to her, not that I wanted to. I told her that she wouldn't have to go to the hotel with me, much less stay with me overnight. Just come meet me and somehow justify the money I was throwing out to come meet her. The best I could get was "I'll reconsider." But by Thursday night, she still gave no indication that she was going to make the trip.

What was I to do? This was the last thing I was expecting, and it was such a shitty end to a shitty year. This year 2004 started with me standing all alone at Buckingham Fountain in very chilly weather watching fireworks ring in the new year while couples and groups of friends huddled with each other all around me. Meanwhile I was standing there with my hands in my pockets like Michael Jackson at Disneyland. That was because my girlfriend, "Karen," was nowhere to be found, not answering my attempts to contact her. Two months later the image of my girlfriend wearing almost nothing and posing next to her female best friend for an internet swingers group would pop up on my computer and send me into a mental tailspin. My fuckbuddy "Sarah" would rescue me from that pain and invite me to give my love and trust to her, only to tell me near the end of the summer that she was rescinding her offer because she needed her space when she wasn't being beaten and dominated as a form of sexual pleasure by men she hardly knew. Autumn brought two nights of sex with a co-worker, who thought so highly of me that she talked freely about giving her boyfriend a blow job and swallowing but refused to put her mouth on me even when I asked. So just when I couldn't feel any lower about myself, here's Jane saying that I sounded like the perfect man for her and telling me how flattered she was that I would come all the way down to Kentucky to meet her and oh, how much fun and great sex we were going to have. And she knew all about the year I had and how horrible I felt about being all alone last New Year's after thinking that I was going to have someone there with me. So what, her actions were saying to me. I still don't care enough about you to consider keeping my end of the deal.

After a year of having my eager-to-please personality returned to me covered in shit, I finally decided to do something for me. Fuck everybody else, I was going to find company for New Year's Eve this year. It would hurt Jane when I told her, I knew this. But as far as I'm concerned, she had her chance. She had me spending money that I really don't have to meet her ass, only to decide way after the fact that she was uncomfortable. How fair was that to me? So I was going to do what I wanted to do, whether it was fair to Jane or not.

Enter "Torrie."

Torrie had been flirting with me on another group for a couple of weeks. She was a new member, and one of the first posts she wrote once she joined was to me, to tell me that she liked a big black man with a shaved head, that she was in Minneapolis but had visited Chicago and loved it, and that she wanted to chat sometime. Showing a maturity level that I normally wouldn't, but I really was being faithful to Jane, I told Torrie the 100% truth: that I thought she was hot, that I was flattered by her attention, and that I loved her tattoos, but that I was meeting a young lady on New Year's Eve for the first time and I was focusing on her and making sure everything worked out with her. Torrie said fine, but if she "didn't satisfy my hunger...I'll be here for ya." And I left it at that...until Jane canceled on me for no good reason. I wrote Torrie and let her know that I was now free for New Year's and that I would come see her if she was still interested, or she could come see me. She said she was interested but short on money, so coming to Chicago was not an option. Wouldn't you know that the eager-to-please me invited her to come down anyway and I would handle her financials? She declined, then warned me that there are a lot of golddiggers that would take advantage of that, so I should be more careful. And she is right. Putting out and doing all I can to accommodate a woman got me nowhere all year long.

Torrie and I first spoke to each other over the phone on Thursday, Dec. 30. I waited that long to call her because I was giving Jane every opportunity to change her mind. And I would have told Torrie if Jane gave me the green light, because Jane was first. But once I spoke to Torrie and heard the things she wanted to do with me and to me, Jane lost her opportunity. Actually, she would have lost it even if I had not made other plans because it would've been impossible for me to get the ok from her Friday, go home after work, get my bags, and make the 5:50P flight. (By the way, Jane did try to do just that, calling me Friday afternoon to inform me that she was reconsidering. I flatly told her to not worry about it, I had other plans. She hung up, stunned.) So Thursday night I canceled my United flight to Lexington, made a NWA flight reservation for 5:00P to Minneapolis, booked a room for two nights at the Hampton Inn in a nearby suburb, and hoped and wished as hard as I could that Torrie would be there when my plane touched down Friday.

She was.

She looked just like her picture, short reddish-brown hair, big full lips, and a deep voice to match her larger-than-life but still sexy features. She was 30 years old, 5'8", 220 lbs, and knew exactly what to do in the bedroom. We met after a half-hour of looking for each other once I arrived in Minneapolis. It's a big airport. And waiting outside wasn't pleasant: Temp in Chicago when I took off from Midway--about 45...temp when I landed in Minneapolis eighty minutes later--19! But the weather was the only bad thing about the weekend. The Happy New Year countdown and kiss was great, the blow job before I fell asleep was great, the sex the next morning was great, her pussy tasted great, the loud sounds we made as we came over and over may not have been so great to the other folks at the Hampton Inn that weekend, but it was great for us. In short, I have absolutely no regrets about making the trip, even though just a few days ago I was in love with a different woman. I don't usually do New Year's resolutions, but this first one was easy to keep: Stop doing things to please other people, start doing things to please myself. And despite my efforts to make Torrie squirt all weekend, don't be fooled: I didn't go up there to make her happy. I went up there to make my cock happy. In fact, I had to buy a t-shirt that I saw up there that was so perfect in describing the attitude that I must have from now on if I want to protect my heart from being broken again. And the shirt was in my size, too. It simply said: "I have the dick, so I make the rules." When I let the woman in my life make the rules, I always got screwed. From now on, I'm doing the screwing.

Not that Torrie has any complaints about that.

Peaks And Valleys

Some good news and some bad news came my way this past week. First, on Tuesday when I showed up for class, the head of the English department took me aside and asked, "Would you be (insert my full name here) by chance?" I said yes, very warily. I didn't know who he was when he asked. But he introduced himself and informed me that my exit essay had been chosen as the best out of all the students at my junior college, which is a little like saying that I was voted best looking man in a room full of hockey players. But I was still pleasantly surprised, especially considering that I didn't write the essay thinking that there was any kind of prize attached. He asked me to come back to school the next day to receive a prize for achieving this feat. I wavered, because Wednesday is not a school day for me and I was not interested in showing up for whatever "honor" was being bestowed on me...until he informed me of the $500 prize. Of course I was there with bells on the next day.

I walked into a room full of teachers. The English department had gathered in a room for their Christmas party, and this was the room I was told to come to when I got off work. It was a very humbling scene. All the teachers congratulated me one by one, some telling me that my essay was so good that they were passing it around to the other members of the faculty. Then I found out that the money was actually a scholarship in the name of a former English teacher at the college who died, and his sister, tears in her eyes, told everyone how much her brother meant to her and told me how proud he would be of my work. Then an empty envelope was given to me in the name of presentation, because the actual check had not been signed by the proper authorities. I said a couple of words, mostly how speechless and honored I was, then I shuffled back to my seat as if embarrassed by the attention. The check should be waiting for me when I come back after the Christmas--oops, winter--break. By the way, the essay was my answer to the question: "How does physical appearance affect how you look at yourself and how others look at you?" I had so much to say about that subject that I went through the five sheets of paper originally given to me and asked for one extra.

The award made me wonder where I would be if I had tried to attend college right out of high school. My grades were atrocious and my concentration was the same, so I honestly don't think I was ready for more school when I graduated high school. So I have been working at the same job for the last ten years while basically waiting to win Powerball so I wouldn't have to worry about education. But that never happened. Now that I have started school, it has been fun and rewarding. The three credits I received for passing English 101 may not seem like much, compared to the 60 I need for an associate's degree or the 120 I need for a bachelor's. But because I actually enjoyed the 17-week journey while I earned those, I am looking forward to what else I will learn while I pursue more credits. I will not be expecting more rewards for my writing, however. Perhaps I am a good enough writer where I will receive more accolades in the future. But for now, I need to enjoy the experience and make sure that I keep my concentration level high.

Speaking of that job I've had for ten years, that's the bad news. As you know if you read my previous post concerning what happened between me and "Karen," I have known that my position was being eliminated since October 2003. Friday morning, I learned that the end should be coming on January 7. Of course, me being the lazy fuck that I am, I have nothing lined up after I am let go. I have heard of receiving unemployment, but I know nothing about it. From what I hear, it won't pay nearly as much as what I'm making, not that I am making a lot now. This leaves me three options: Stay out here by myself and try to find work, get a roommate, or move back to my uncle's cramped house, where he, his wife, and their two teenage boys reside, in order to save money. I don't think I am moving back to my uncle's house; it's just too difficult to adjust to living with those many people after living alone for seven years. Plus, where would I host the houseguests with bags of dildos who blow me twenty minutes after meeting me? I don't think I want to look for a roommate; all the people I know I wouldn't want to live with, which leaves the rest of the world, who are all strangers. I don't deal with strangers well. Guess that leaves wasting my settlement check from my layoff on rent.

Notice how I did not consider moving in with "Jane" as an option. Yes, everything is still going well between us. We still talk every night, and usually every morning. But I have learned my lesson from Karen and "Sarah." I am not going to make plans to share a place with a woman until I feel like I really know her. This may take a few years of long-distance dating. Oh well. I'll be damned if I get screwed over again like those other women did to me. It's less than two weeks to the first meeting between me and Jane. I want this more than anything else in the world right now. We seem to be separated at birth, our personalities are so similar, and I absolutely cannot wait until we spend that weekend together to see how we mesh in real life, not just over the phone. But I will not expose my heart to Jane, no matter how much I think I am in love with her. It may not be fair to her, and it may hurt her that I seem to keep an air of distrust when dealing with her. But I swear the next woman to lie to me or let me treat them well all summer only to dump me because I don't apply clamps to her nipples and humiliate her, I don't know what I will do. I have to protect myself. No one else sure the fuck will.

Speaking of Sarah, she sent me a birthday card and wrote that she hopes I get all that I wish for. (My birthday is December 22.) It's taking all my self-control to not call her and curse her out. All that I wished for was one woman to treat me right and let me treat her right. And for several months she was okay with being that person. Then she started longing for those wonderful nights handcuffed on someone's kitchen floor with a ball gag in her mouth.

By the way, I heard that she is supposed to be moving up here to a suburb near me. I wonder what master she met that lives up this way? Stay tuned...

And if I don't get a chance to do it personally, happy holidays to all of you. I hope you all get what you wished for.

I'm going to go hang myself now or swallow some bleach or something...

No Turning Back

It's official. On Friday, December 31, at 5:50P, United Airlines Flight 6885 will leave O'Hare Airport here in Chicago and go nonstop to Lexington, KY, and I have a ticket to be on it. I shall meet Jane at the airport and she will drive us ten minutes to a nearby Comfort Inn hotel, where I have reserved a room for two nights.

I am so fucking scared.

I don't know this girl from Joe Blow, I've never even seen a picture, and I'm getting on an airplane for the first time since 1990 to meet her? What the hell is my problem? Do I need love that much? Am I really that needy? And, most important, can I get a full refund on that plane ticket if I should come to my senses in the next thirty days?

Actually, I have no intentions of backing out now. I can't be wrong about every woman I date. One of them has to actually turn out to be human, right? And we speak every night, and every morning, and even when I call when she's not expecting me to, she always picks up the phone and talks and tells me how happy she is to hear me. So if she's a lying bitch like everyone else I've ever gone out with, she's doing an even better job of hiding it than Karen.

But I'm not turning back now because I can't live my life not trusting everybody. That's no way to go about living. I can't shoot down every opportunity that comes my way just because it might not work out. That's a good way to ensure that I grow up lonely and bitter, which I may still do anyway. But I have to explore the things and people that interest me, and just hope that things turn out happy in the end. Wish me luck.

A woman I dated this summer, "Sarah," would argue my opinion that everyone I've ever been with was a lying bitch. She may not have lied to me, I will admit. All she did was listen to me beg her to stay with me and tell her that she was all I had and all I wanted and that I would accept her in any way that she wanted, and respond by telling me that I never understood her and never will. Huh? It was a big mess, and I'll explain it in my next post.

Until then...

Remove Foot From Mouth

I must immediately backtrack now and ignore my previous post concerning the lady I was talking with on the computer. For, you see, we have fallen in love.

Whether it happened because one or both of us is insane and desperate for love and understanding, time will tell I suppose. All I know is I have never felt a connection with someone as strong as I feel with "Jane." Jane was too shy to call me before last Sunday, November 14, but when she finally did, I talked to a woman with a voice of honey and a spirit so strong I felt I could reach through the phone and touch it. And I'm not a spiritual person at all, folks. Not even close. In the week and a half we have talked since, Jane and I have bonded and told each other things we both never thought we would tell a living soul. She was so heartbroken after the breakup of her relationship with her daughter's father that she had shut her feelings down and given up on love. She was devoting all her time to her infant. And I, of course, was adrift as usual.

I think we need each other. I think we were intended to come together at this point in our lives, after the end of relationships we both thought would be forever. I know what I bring to the table after going through the events of the past year. And that is a healthier outlook on love and relationships. You see, if Jane and I somehow don't work out, I will be fine. I have so much more self-confidence than before, when I met Karen. I thought when Karen and I broke up that I would never love anyone again. It was just too hard on me, and love shouldn't be hard on anyone. It should be a wonderful experience that enhances an already fulfilling life. Karen was my life. That's the difference.

I want nothing more than Jane to become a part of my life, to welcome her into my world with open arms and show her that from this day forward she now has someone she can rely on and believe in. But if the day comes when she doesn't want that any longer, I will let go, shrug my shoulders, and continue the search for the one who understands me and wants my love. I now realize that my heart doesn't belong to Jane or Karen or my high school girlfriend or the hundreds of other women I have attempted to share it with over my lifetime only to be told "You aren't man enough for me" or "I think you're a really good person, but..." or "I think we should just be friends." My heart belongs to me. And I'll be damned if I have picked up the pieces to it after having it shattered by Karen so that I can give it to someone else to jump on and trample. I do love Jane. I already feel that strongly about her. But, if she's just pretending to love me back for some reason, I'll be okay. I won't be alone forever. I'm too fucking good to be.

Something Seems Familiar

Just checking in between classes at school. There was a teachers' strike that cost us three weeks of classes, so just being in school is something in itself. I'm flying through English 101 with straight As, which those who know me can testify will only make me more paranoid about how bad the higher levels of English will kick my ass. Speaking of paranoid...

I am in the middle of yet another online relationship, and as I will explain in later posts, the others haven't exactly gone well. This one has all the makings of disaster. The woman is about ten hours away from me, in eastern Kentucky. She claims not to have a picture, and says she's very shy and cautious because of the bad relationships in her past, which we all have. But she's not shy when it comes time to talk about sex. I have found out in the two weeks I've "known" her that she likes to give head, she prefers giving head to black men because it's more exciting, she has fucked ten guys in her life, the father of her one-year-old is so old he has a daughter her age (26!), and she thinks about me when she masturbates...but we've never met. Can you say psycho, boys and girls? But she's so shy that she refuses to call me even though she has my phone number. And when I suggested that I come down for a visit, she almost broke her computer typing so fast to tell me that she's not ready to meet me so soon. So I'm already resigned to the fact that this has no future. Hell, since she won't talk to me, I still don't know if this is even a woman.

Well my next class is about to start, so I suppose I should attend it. You may not know yet what happened in my past online relationships that was so bad, but this should tell you how bad it was: I spent a week in a psychiatric institution earlier this year in the aftermath of one woman who almost singlehandedly destroyed me. What the fuck happened? I'll tell you in my next post.

Until then...