35 Years Of Fear

"Scared shitless" is the not-so-graceful term my fiancee used a few weeks ago to describe me after I expressed my displeasure at applying for a job in Memphis that would be in my desired field of broadcasting. The job was member of a "street team" for a radio station morning show. My impression of that gig is that it's not very high-paying, it's not very secure as far as how long one would be employed in that position before the station decided to cut costs and whack said position, and it's not very useful, because I imagine there's a lot of passing out flyers and setting up zany morning zoo stunts. And on top of that, there's a potential loss of money involved, because if I were to apply to that job and get it right now, I would lose tuition money that I'd have to reimburse my current employer for leaving within two years of getting that money, and I'd lose a performance bonus coming at the end of January. The only thing positive about that street crew position is that it would indeed be a foot in the door of the broadcasting industry, and that is all I want. I'm fairly confident that I will show my talent and ascend the ladder once I get that foot in the door. But I declined to apply for the job because of all the previously listed cons versus that one pro. My fiancee's reaction was to declare me "scared shitless" of going for a real position in radio when the opportunity presented itself. I took it hard that she thought of me that way, and I still to this day believe that my reasons for not applying for the gig were valid. And I believe that I would apply for that same job in February after those money issues are cleared up. But I do have to admit, I have a ton of fear inside of me. There are major, major life changes coming in 2011. I'm getting married, I'm moving to a new city that I am largely unfamiliar with, and I'm going to have to take a new job in order to make all of that happen. There's a sensation of rolling a wheel down a hill that comes with any application to a job in a city that I'm unfamiliar with before I've moved into that city. So that's scary right off the bat. Then applying for a job in radio or broadcasting adds another layer of fear because I have absolutely zero experience in those fields and I would likely be starting out at some entry-level position and hoping to give demo tapes of myself to some strangers and make an impression on them. And I think anyone hoping to break into their dream career in their mid-30s after doing something else for 15 years has trepidation about possibly failing at their dreams after all this time. So on this, my 35th birthday, I can only acknowledge the bundle of fears that I still possess. I can plan on being opportunistic and taking advantage of whatever comes my way, but the fact is, there's a moment before I approach a producer with my demo, before I press "send" on my online resume, before I call a prospective employer in Memphis, when I have to overcome a gigantic ball of fear inside me that has always stood in my way whenever I wanted something that I didn't think I was good enough to have. But hey, I'm 35. There are only so many opportunities that I can pursue. I have no choice but to overcome those fears.