I just read my entry from Tuesday, and it's funny how I say that my opportunity with "Laurie" has magically appeared out of nowhere, no thanks to any improvements or efforts I have made recently. Not true. I am starting to get more in touch with my spiritual side, which may have had to happen in order for anything between Laurie and me to work, but the point is, it's happening whether Laurie is part of the picture or not. After all these years of resisting any kind of influence by my God on my life, I am beginning to realize that if I don't let my God into my life, I'm not going to ever have a life. It's been 29 and a half years of resistance on my part to "let go and let God," so to speak. What do I have to show for it? Heartbreak. Bottom-of-the-ocean depths of self-esteem and confidence. No education. The feeling that I'm running in circles and that nothing has improved in my life. And most importantly, every attempt by me to put my trust and love into a person resulting in catastrophe because I didn't have that trust and love for my God or for myself first, which maybe, just maybe, is what "Karen" meant when she said that our relationship was "doomed from the start." Basically, what it comes down to is, when am I going to go a different direction and let spirituality guide me and see what happens? Because all of my resistance to let that into my life has resulted in, all things considered, a pretty fucked-up life thus far. As my aunt has asked me many times, when am I going to try something else, since my way has obviously not been working?
I had a spiritual encounter last night. One of the cassette tapes that the never-to-be-identified burglars stole when I moved into my apartment three years ago was "Real Love," by Lisa Stansfield. For those that don't know, she is a British singer with a powerful voice and old-school R&B flavorings in her singing and music, and I enjoyed listening to her music immensely. The entire second half of the album "Real Love" contains some inspiring singing and songwriting, but there's one song that was always special to me: the last song, "I Will Be Waiting." She doesn't harmonize with any other voices on the song, it's all Lisa, belting out a typical I-understand-that-you-have-to-find-yourself-but-I-will-be-waiting-for-you-when-you're-ready-for-me lyric but doing it in a way that makes your heart ache for her and at the same time makes you pray that you can someday find someone that loves you that much. Well, I ordered the album, on CD this time, from Amazon.com, and I played that song last night for the first time since it was stolen from me years ago. And something in the lyrics made me envision my mother singing to me from heaven, and I don't believe I ever heard the song in that way before. "I will be waiting for you/Waiting for time to heal your wounds/And I will be thinking of you/Knowing love will bring you back to me, cause our love is true," goes the chorus. And I saw clouds and my beautiful mother singing those words to me, telling me that she's waiting in heaven for me to straighten myself up and earn my way up there with her so that we can be reunited. And my eyes teared up and my throat started feeling dry and swollen, and I just buried my hands in my head wondering why I have spent so many years doing things that would make my mom so not proud of me if she were alive. I'm not going to be perfect from here on out, but I have got to make things right between me and my God if I ever hope to spend eternity with my mother. Because the way things stand right now, with some of the things that I have done in my life to other people and to myself, if I died right now, I don't think I would be anywhere near heaven. And I don't even want to think about the physical punishment I have vowed to hand out to any supreme being upon my death. Usually I make those vows after some other incident of bad luck has happened to me, without thinking about what I could have done to not put myself in the position of having that incident happen to me. Yes, I have a lot of anger inside me.
If anyone, Laurie, Karen, anyone were to read this blog and be happy for me that I have finally figured out that I can't ever have the life I want without "letting go and letting God," that's fine, but it is not about other people and how they feel about me. If the day ever came where I joined a church, and boy I didn't think I'd be considering doing that right now, my prejudices about other people and my fear about what others would think of me wouldn't matter either. I have the feeling that so long as the relationship between me and my God is okay, nothing else would matter. I have the feeling that I could walk into a church with someone I hate--Karen, for example--and hold her hand and pray to my God to give me the strength to forgive and let life continue and go along its intended path. I would be able to walk down the street and still assume that no women find me attractive because of my weight and perceived ugliness, but I could be okay with that because the type of woman that would not want me in her life because I'm fat is the type that I wouldn't want in my life because she's ignorant. I could walk into a job interview without fear of rejection because I would have a sense of purpose in my life besides finding a job, and therefore it wouldn't be as big of a deal to me. Mentally, spiritually, maybe even physically, I could find a love for myself that I've never had. It would be a whole new way of living, and then the soulmate that I've been looking for would come into my life, and I would actually be ready for her instead of worrying that it's a mirage and she wouldn't stay with me for the long haul because she can do much better. I'm not there yet, not by a long shot. I'm still weak when it comes to the flesh, and I still don't believe enough in myself to do something radical like dump "Torrie" for no reason other than I don't see her as a future wife. But maybe I'm on my way. And that's better than I was a few weeks ago.