Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Spring Break Fun

Woo hoo, I can't stop having fun on my spring break. My left foot is in immense pain, so I haven't moved very much since Thursday, when I had my last class before spring break. I've left the house once since, Saturday night to hobble across the street to get some pop and nachos. My foot pain started with an apparent gout outbreak a few weeks ago, and the stiffness in the joint of my big toe has not gone away. And now because of the overcompensating I've had to do, the left side of my left foot has one long inflamed tendon running through it, and my right ankle is sprained. So even if "Torrie" had called me and asked me to come see her this week, as much as I'd want to, I don't think I could do it. It took me forever to limp to the store Saturday night, and I'm not feeling much better than I was then. I am icing the foot right now, trying to get well enough to keep an appointment with my psychiatrist today. I've been saving my Celebrex for the right time as well, popping one this morning and planning to pop another before I leave. But other than today, I don't see myself leaving the house this entire week, not that I go anywhere when healthy, but I did at least want to visit my family this week. Somehow it's different when I'm trapped because of health issues. I imagine myself going out, doing what normal singles do, going to the club, enjoying myself, hanging out with friends, making new friends. But darn it, I just can't do those things cause of this doggone foot. But once it gets healthy, what will I be doing? Watching baseball by myself, sulking, Googling my ex-girlfriends, sulking, wondering will I die unmarried with no kids, sulking...did I mention brooding and sulking? Hmm, guess that's why I'm going to a psychiatrist.

Monday, March 14, 2005


"Torrie" and I have chatted a couple of times this weekend. According to her, she dumped me only because she assumed that I wouldn't want to wait for her to get her life straightened out once she told me that she wouldn't be coming to Chicago anytime soon. She apologized for assuming that I would be like other men in her past and abandon her when she wasn't able to devote her time to them. I apologized for assuming that she was looking for an excuse to dump me because she had found a warm body in her town and didn't need this long-distance thing anymore. The sons of her deceased stepsister have developed a blood disorder, and they are flying to California next weekend to try to find alternative treatments because they haven't been able to help the boys there in Minnesota. She had been spending a lot of time with the boys and that situation, but had never explained that to me; it answers the question I had when I read her kiss-off letter of what kind of "family matters" she had that she thought would stand in the way of us spending time together. We agreed that I once again would come up there to visit during my spring break next week if she got good news in California this weekend. I also dropped the hint that I may want to move up there permanently to avoid this scenario, since nothing, no work, no woman, no purpose, is keeping me in Chicago other than laziness. She seemed in favor of that. So perhaps this was all an instance of miscommunication and Torrie and I are going to seriously work on being there for each other despite the distance. One can only hope. Stay tuned.

Friday, March 11, 2005

"u r a nce guy huh"

This is a conversation I had Thursday night with a woman who sent me an IM. We had never met or chatted before, but it started when she saw my name in a member listing on a Yahoo group and decided to IM me out of the clear blue. I lost that first message she sent me, but this picks up with my immediate response asking her where she found me, since I am a member of over twenty Yahoo groups. Except for a couple of meaningless lines that I deleted, this is totally unedited.

dredog1221 (11:20:57 PM): which group would that be?
pandoras_obsession (11:21:07 PM): hugetits
dredog1221 (11:21:48 PM): i see...sure i'd love to chat, real nice pic on your profile...where in Chicago are you?
pandoras_obsession (11:21:54 PM): ns
pandoras_obsession (11:21:59 PM): near lincoln
dredog1221 (11:22:14 PM): really? i'm five blocks from Wrigley Field
pandoras_obsession (11:22:35 PM): kewl
pandoras_obsession (11:22:39 PM): u r very close
pandoras_obsession (11:22:48 PM): only a coupel of stops on the red
dredog1221 (11:23:36 PM): yep...sounds like maybe we should get together sometime being so close huh?
pandoras_obsession (11:23:54 PM): yeah
dredog1221 (11:24:19 PM): so what's your stats, height weight and whatnot?
pandoras_obsession (11:24:29 PM): lol
pandoras_obsession (11:25:33 PM): i am 44dd, 5'4 and have no ideal waht i really weight but i would fall in to the BBw I know however that means i have hips and ass which u can see in the im picture
dredog1221 (11:25:49 PM): indeed
dredog1221 (11:26:01 PM): why did u laugh? did i say something funny?
pandoras_obsession (11:26:16 PM): u just jumped to the point
pandoras_obsession (11:26:24 PM): caught me off gueard
dredog1221 (11:27:09 PM): well i'd love to get to know you as a person, i just like to imagine what i'm working with
pandoras_obsession (11:27:23 PM): k
pandoras_obsession (11:27:28 PM): so then what r u stats
dredog1221 (11:28:03 PM): i'm 6'1", about 350, 7 inches, uncircumcised and very thick
dredog1221 (11:29:09 PM): sometimes i wonder if i'm big enough when it comes to cock size, seems like these chicks want 9 or more, but i haven't had any complaints
pandoras_obsession (11:29:27 PM): i use to about 10
dredog1221 (11:30:36 PM): well nothing makes me happier than making the woman i'm with cum, so i'm willing and able to do whatever it takes to satisfy you, even if i'm a little small for you
pandoras_obsession (11:30:52 PM): that is cute
dredog1221 (11:32:43 PM): i've been with 5 women in my life, and they all complimented me a lot, so i think i'm good at what i do, whether it's oral or straight fucking or whatever
dredog1221 (11:33:15 PM): and they liked my shaved head, it's a turn on for some reason, lol
pandoras_obsession (11:33:38 PM): for most women a bald head is
dredog1221 (11:34:28 PM): so since i'm apparently lacking in the dick department, what would you want me to do to get you off if we got together?
pandoras_obsession (11:34:54 PM): lol...well now that u have put it that way
dredog1221 (11:36:08 PM): i mean i just feel like i would be inadequate if you're used to 10 inches...so i'd want to do what it takes to make it worth your while to meet me, i don't want to waste your time
pandoras_obsession (11:36:34 PM): sometimes it about other things then size
dredog1221 (11:36:58 PM): well i'm glad to hear that...like what?
pandoras_obsession (11:37:09 PM): personilaty
pandoras_obsession (11:37:15 PM): willing to play with new things
pandoras_obsession (11:37:24 PM): what porn i am watching
pandoras_obsession (11:37:31 PM): is there other people there
pandoras_obsession (11:37:39 PM): other women who r bi there
pandoras_obsession (11:37:42 PM): there is lots of things
dredog1221 (11:38:18 PM): are you ok with one on one? i don't do sex in front of others, i want to focus and concentrate on you
dredog1221 (11:38:37 PM): unless it was other women, which i've never done but would be interested
pandoras_obsession (11:38:44 PM): i am okay with one on one
pandoras_obsession (11:38:49 PM): but i explore to
pandoras_obsession (11:38:55 PM): and i a somewaht of a showoff
dredog1221 (11:39:07 PM): i can tell from your pics
dredog1221 (11:39:37 PM): if i were a woman with beautiful tits like yours i'd show them off too
pandoras_obsession (11:39:46 PM): lol
dredog1221 (11:40:02 PM): are you still in school?
pandoras_obsession (11:40:10 PM): yes
dredog1221 (11:42:19 PM): what are you going for?
pandoras_obsession (11:43:10 PM): pol sc
dredog1221 (11:43:43 PM): ooh, future senator perhaps?
pandoras_obsession (11:43:49 PM): maybr
pandoras_obsession (11:45:02 PM): how old r u btw
dredog1221 (11:45:09 PM): 29
pandoras_obsession (11:45:34 PM): u r a nce guy huh
dredog1221 (11:47:13 PM): yes i am definitely a nice guy, i don't know if that's a turnoff or not but i treat the woman i am with like a queen, i'm not rich by any means but i can promise i will always appreciate you and make you feel good when i'm around
pandoras_obsession (11:47:37 PM): that is really sweet
pandoras_obsession (11:48:18 PM): but in all honestly and all fairness so not what i am lookign for...i just want a playmate in chicago i have a bf but he lives in mobile
dredog1221 (11:49:45 PM): i see, well i'm not going to try to steal you from him but just telling you that i'm not gonna screw you and throw you aside like you're nothing, i'm going to do you right if you let me and treat you with respect
dredog1221 (11:50:14 PM): i can be a playmate no problem, i'm not dating anyone so i can be whatever you want me to be
pandoras_obsession (11:51:24 PM): lol...i jsut would not feel right knowing that you are one of the few nice guys out there...its a moral thing for me...guys who r jerks is no pro because i can dish as much as them but nice guys are to be treated well so that they can do right
dredog1221 (11:52:36 PM): i understand...the problem is i don't meet anybody that treats me well, so me and my nice self is sitting here all alone while the jerks never go to bed alone
pandoras_obsession (11:52:57 PM): i understand ur point but
pandoras_obsession (11:53:07 PM): one day u will find a nice gurl to be with
pandoras_obsession (11:53:44 PM): and ti will be if carnally knowledge of me is kept out of that...u just r too nice for me to corput
pandoras_obsession (11:54:29 PM): i have a thing of being able to turn people out and i dont want to do that to nice guys
pandoras_obsession (11:54:37 PM): nice gurls maybe but not nice guys
dredog1221 (11:54:45 PM): well you wouldn't corrupt me honey, believe me i've done a lot of dirty things in bed
pandoras_obsession (11:55:27 PM): trust me i corput some of the jerks
pandoras_obsession (11:55:37 PM): but i am on way to bed i have to get up in the mornign
dredog1221 (11:56:06 PM): ok well if you ever want to play i am here waiting
pandoras_obsession (11:56:15 PM): k

So to summarize...a young woman found my profile and sought me out for no-strings-attached fun, but once she found out that I am A NICE GUY, she lost interest. I swear I wanted to cry. I don't know what the fuck to do anymore. I refuse to turn into a jerk because jerks hurt the ones they are with, and I don't want to hurt anyone. Just the opposite, I want to be the one to turn to when a lady is sick and tired of being hurt and wants to be treated right. But I can't do that when I treat the women I'm with well and get dumped anyway, and I can't do that when I threaten any woman that wants to hook up with me with that horrible, digusting trait I have, the trait of caring, and they run away as if I told them I wanted to shoot them. And no one has the answer for the problem I posed to her, which is: If the jerks are getting laid every night because women don't want to mess around with the nice guys, then how do the nice guys ever get any company? And exactly when the fuck did being a nice guy become a BAD thing?

If my head wasn't already spinning, it is now. At this rate, I'm never going to have another lover again. Unless I offer to smack some girl around or something.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Alone Again...Naturally

"Torrie" dumped me. She sent me an e-mail yesterday expressing frustration that our schedules would not allow us to see each other anytime soon and therefore it was "better to just end it." Two days ago everything was fine. My spring break from classes starts at the end of next week, and I offered to fly to Minneapolis again, but she insisted that she would get the time off from her job and come to see me here instead because she had not done so yet and I had already come there twice. But in the letter yesterday she told me that she had been rejected for that request for the time off because she had not been on the job long enough. How the hell she jumped from there to dumping me I don't know, but she cited family demands on her time as another factor even though we don't meet often enough for me to take time away from her family. My guess is she met someone else locally and didn't feel like giving any more effort to something that was so long-distance. In that sense I guess I can't blame her. It still sucks to get dumped though, especially when in my mind she was about to spend time here in my apartment with me and really start becoming a big part of my life. Silly me. When will I learn that no one wants to be a big part of my life?

Torrie spent the last part of her e-mail telling me how great of a guy I am, and how lucky some woman is going to be to have me because I have such a big heart. Can anybody tell me why my big heart keeps getting trampled every time I offer it to someone? Can anyone explain why I have treated every woman I've been with over the last two years like a queen, doing anything I can to please them and show them how much they mean to me, yet my bed is empty every single night? What does it take? I talked to three different people since yesterday, and they all had different versions of the same theme: I have to be happy with myself and not be worried about having someone else. My response: Isn't that pathetic? The notion that I have to be satisfied with myself because I'm so pathetic that I can't get anyone else to be satisfied with me? I'm sorry, but that's just sad. The thought of me walking around saying to myself, "La la la, I don't care if no one wants to be with me cause I'm okay with myself, happy happy joy joy," makes me want to cry. All I keep thinking is: I have a big heart, I'm a good guy, nothing makes me happier than to make the woman I'm with happy, and yet eventually they all lie to me or get sick of being treated well and leave. Pathetic. Oh, and I can't forget the theme of all these recent disappointments coming from women I met over the internet. Okay, I can definitely see the point of maybe the women I meet online aren't looking for what I'm looking for. But my response is, I went without a date for six years prior to "Karen," the first woman I ever dated from the internet. As crazy as these online women have turned out to be, if it wasn't for the internet, my last girlfriend would have been in high school eleven years ago. So I can't give up the internet as an option; I can't get a date otherwise.

Well, I'm off to school, where dozens of attractive women walk all around me as if I don't exist. I'm not about to disturb one of those women by begging for a date, and besides, my confidence ain't exactly high, and I don't need any more rejection. I've had about enough for this lifetime.