Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Alone Again...Naturally

"Torrie" dumped me. She sent me an e-mail yesterday expressing frustration that our schedules would not allow us to see each other anytime soon and therefore it was "better to just end it." Two days ago everything was fine. My spring break from classes starts at the end of next week, and I offered to fly to Minneapolis again, but she insisted that she would get the time off from her job and come to see me here instead because she had not done so yet and I had already come there twice. But in the letter yesterday she told me that she had been rejected for that request for the time off because she had not been on the job long enough. How the hell she jumped from there to dumping me I don't know, but she cited family demands on her time as another factor even though we don't meet often enough for me to take time away from her family. My guess is she met someone else locally and didn't feel like giving any more effort to something that was so long-distance. In that sense I guess I can't blame her. It still sucks to get dumped though, especially when in my mind she was about to spend time here in my apartment with me and really start becoming a big part of my life. Silly me. When will I learn that no one wants to be a big part of my life?

Torrie spent the last part of her e-mail telling me how great of a guy I am, and how lucky some woman is going to be to have me because I have such a big heart. Can anybody tell me why my big heart keeps getting trampled every time I offer it to someone? Can anyone explain why I have treated every woman I've been with over the last two years like a queen, doing anything I can to please them and show them how much they mean to me, yet my bed is empty every single night? What does it take? I talked to three different people since yesterday, and they all had different versions of the same theme: I have to be happy with myself and not be worried about having someone else. My response: Isn't that pathetic? The notion that I have to be satisfied with myself because I'm so pathetic that I can't get anyone else to be satisfied with me? I'm sorry, but that's just sad. The thought of me walking around saying to myself, "La la la, I don't care if no one wants to be with me cause I'm okay with myself, happy happy joy joy," makes me want to cry. All I keep thinking is: I have a big heart, I'm a good guy, nothing makes me happier than to make the woman I'm with happy, and yet eventually they all lie to me or get sick of being treated well and leave. Pathetic. Oh, and I can't forget the theme of all these recent disappointments coming from women I met over the internet. Okay, I can definitely see the point of maybe the women I meet online aren't looking for what I'm looking for. But my response is, I went without a date for six years prior to "Karen," the first woman I ever dated from the internet. As crazy as these online women have turned out to be, if it wasn't for the internet, my last girlfriend would have been in high school eleven years ago. So I can't give up the internet as an option; I can't get a date otherwise.

Well, I'm off to school, where dozens of attractive women walk all around me as if I don't exist. I'm not about to disturb one of those women by begging for a date, and besides, my confidence ain't exactly high, and I don't need any more rejection. I've had about enough for this lifetime.

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