Monday, October 30, 2006

My Maturity Progress Report--Uh, Still A Long Way To Go

My girlfriend and I were e-mailing back and forth about our relationship and how relatively fast we are moving. This is what she wrote this morning:

"You are right about the red flag of your past relationships. Whenever I read the archives in your blog (which I did in the wee hours of this morning), it always sobers me and makes me realize that this thing could end any minute now. I would never force you to give me one good reason to stick around because I don't know if there is anything you can say to really change the way I feel sometimes. Only time will really change that. The longer that we are together and the more I get to observe you, the more confident I will become of your feelings for me. Until then, I stick around because I have made a choice to do so, a choice to trust that the way you say you feel is real. I stick around because I want to give us the best possible chance of succeeding."

She's not the only one who wonders whether I'm real. I am very very scared of the fact that I felt over-the-moon in love with the trash that I dated before. I am scared that I wouldn't know how to fall in love with a good woman because I fell in love with any women who showed me some attention. Hell, I'm scared that I could give in to some random trash who came on to me just because I'm so used to trash. I'm scared that sluts with no morals or standards are my true element and that dating a woman who waited for the right man and hasn't slept around is aiming a bit too high. Maybe all of that means that a part of me or most of me isn't ready to be in a real relationship. I honestly don't know. But a big part of why it's worked so far with me and my girlfriend is that we can discuss things like this in the open with no boundaries. I'm so far from perfect it's not even funny. But she's been accepting thus far. It would kill me to hurt her as a reward for her patience. And maybe that's the true sign that this is real--I can't stand the thought of doing something to hurt her after all the faith she's invested in me. Fuck my desires and fears, I can't hurt her. I won't hurt her. She doesn't deserve it. And honestly, I don't deserve her.


Nia said...

Andre .. you do deserve her. Any lady should be lucky to have such wonderful man by her side. Don't let your insecurities about love be a burden and make you have any doubts about who you are and give you any false refelctions on how honorable man you trully are .. not only towards her, but to everyone around you.
Patience is needed in all relationships and I think it's a wonderful thing that you two are open and comfortable talking about it and most of all that you are being aware of the dangers that eventually cross every relationship. Exploring each other is great and by doing what you both have been doing will make you learn even more about one another, it will make you be even more patient with each other coz you will understand each other better.
As for your past relationships .. don't ever let your relationships define you! Not even with this lady .. you need to keep your own "identity" and don't adjust in order coz that way she might like you better that way, if that is something you don't like (if that makes any sense?)
And even thou I am familiar with your past bad luck with your relationships and althou I know that those women never were worthy of your heart, I can only say that .. you can not judge yourself based on that. You are greater than that, coz if you weren't .. from everything that has happened to you most other men would end up selfish, bitter and most likely abusive. You never were not even near anything like that. And I'm sure she knows all this by now and loves you just becouse of who you are .. but I agree that there's always room for improvement and growth as well.

Best of luck my sweet friend,


GrizzBabe said...

Very well said, Nia.

Dre said...

Oh Nia honey, you're gonna make people think I'm posting comments under a fake name if you keep that up. ;)

Nia said...

LOL .. why is that? For me it's important that you know who I am. I don't blog on this site so I never registered, but it's one of the ways where I can stay in touch with you and going ons in your life.

Talk to you soon.


And Grizzbabe .. thank you (f).