Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Why Is It All About The Big O?

Look, I'm not trying to deny my manhood and my nature, but my most recent trip to visit my girlfriend on New Year's ended with me begging her for a hand job and her obliging, and I've been battling the feeling ever since that I'm a pig for asking a virgin who's waiting to have sex until she's married to get me off. And it's got me wondering, why am I built that way where she and I can't have a petting and kissing session in her bed without me begging her to get me off? I feel like I should have been happy making out with my girl without having to have an orgasm. After all, she didn't ask me to get her off. She waited until after I left town. I feel like I should have had the decency to do the same.

Now, she didn't seem to be against the idea, I just don't think it was good judgment on my part. See, we had not been past first base before this trip. The last time I saw her in September, we kissed for the first time, and I couldn't resist tasting her neck, but that was it. And we had not discussed doing anything further this time. But because we wanted each other and missed each other badly, one thing led to another, and on the second day of my three-day visit we found ourselves topless on her couch utilizing her jar of honey. Then, an hour before she was going to take me to the airport so I could go home, she asked me to lay in her bed with her just to feel what it would be like. Eventually, we couldn't resist the urge to start dry-humping like teenagers. This got me so aroused that I asked her to touch my penis because I wanted to take the feeling of her hand home with me. Well, she rubbed it through my jogging pants, but I don't believe she ever intended to actually touch it. I was driven so crazy by her rubbing that I pulled my pants down so that she could touch it skin to skin. She didn't refuse, and not long after that, I came in her hand.

My problem is that I feel like an animal for pulling my pants down. I really don't think she expected to give me a hand job this soon in our relationship. I mean, waiting until marriage to have sex means another two or three years minimum, and I don't think she had plans to play with a man's penis before then. Like I said, she didn't disapprove, and she's been very supportive, saying that she wanted everything that happened to happen or else she would have stopped it. But I can't imagine after rubbing my penis and seeing how excited she was making me that she could have possibly turned me down once I whipped it out. I just feel that, knowing she has no sexual experience, I should have been more mature and waited until she expressed a desire to see or feel my dick. But no, my train of thought as a man was: "Ugh, I have hard-on, I gotta cum now, ugh..." I have had sex in situations where I didn't cum because I was so focused on satisfying my partner, so it's not like every time I make out with a woman, she's gotta get me off. But this one time, I feel like I was weak and didn't have any willpower. Well, at least I gained some more insight into why I have never made the first move in the past--I have always waited for the woman to take command and show me exactly what she wants in order to avoid this feeling that I'm a big fat ogre with no self-control.


James Burnett said...

My friend, you have answered your own question: You are a man. Embrace it. We need what we need. Ain't no shame in that.

Nia said...

I think it is natural that you want and wish for some level of intimacy with the person you love. It's nothing wrong with that.
And as your lady told you .. "she wanted everything that happened to happen". And it did happen and you both were there. I'm sure she doesn't have any regrets about it and you shouldn't feel bad about it neither. You have been patient, loving and you are trying to understand her wishes and desires regarding sexuality and she is trying to accept and understand yours as well. And that is admirable .. from both sides. With all honesty .. I do not know of many men who'd be willing to wait on a woman they love. And you are and you acknowledge and respect her ways. I'm sure she appreciates that.
I think you two have a wonderful relationship in your own special way. Now listen to your lady when she says that whatever it's meant to happen .. it will. With and without "falls", coz none of us is perfect .. we are just doing the best we know and can at the time.

My best wishes to both of you,

Dre said...

Thank you for your support as always, Nia. Thank you James as well. I'm still struggling with it, but I have been feeling a little better the last couple of days. My girlfriend has been so kind and understanding, it's hard to stay down about things. And that's fucking me up. I mean, I'm used to wallowing in darkness, you know.