Tuesday, March 20, 2007


I've been running on fumes the last few weeks. Cleaning my apartment for my girlfriend's visit last weekend was a larger task than I expected, and I've felt wiped out ever since. The visit was nice, though. It may have lasted only one day, but it was a very nice day. We did nothing but sit around and watch college hoops all day, and my play aunt made lasagna for us. Holding my girlfriend's body in my bed for the first time was something that felt very natural. Every night since, I've imagined that feeling, and I'm looking forward to many, many more nights in that position, among others. Working one day of overtime a month ago has also contributed to my weariness. I almost feel like I've never recovered from that. And work itself has been nuts because absolutely no one is on the same page there. Two women who are "coaches" led groups of us associates into a conference room Saturday and had four separate meetings informing us of a new method we were to start using immediately. But when I pulled aside the general manager Monday to ask a question about this new method, she expressed surprise and claimed she didn't know anything about it. It drives me crazy that I had to be the one who asked about this because I don't get paid nearly enough to be the watchdog in the office. I can't be the only person there who gives a fuck, but it sure seems that way sometimes.

Something that has been on my mind a lot is the subject of religion. My girlfriend and I discuss it sometimes because she's devout and I'm not. She tries to convey the message that it's OK, but I get the feeling that it's something she worries about. The last time we had a long talk about it, I told her that one of the reasons I'm having trouble getting closer to my God is because it takes a tremendous amount of submission for a man (or woman) to live life in a way that pleases God. Believing that those who wrong you will be punished and judged by Him instead of getting your own revenge, being grateful of your blessings instead of envious of others...it's not something I'm good at wrapping my little brain around. I've been trying, and I've made progress over the last couple of years, but I still feel a little lightheaded and weak when I think of living what I think would be a life that God would approve of. I guess that's the symptoms I should feel when I entertain the idea of submitting myself. I'm not sure how others do it. Giving tithe, attending church devoutly--I feel like my time and money and lifestyle are things I've always had total control over, and surrendering any or all of that control is scary. Then there's people like the slut in Wisconsin, who talked about church and even said she went on vacations with her parents and their church. She and many others are trying to walk some kind of line where they live like demons and then turn over their sins and ask for forgiveness with no remorse. I can't do that either. I would feel like a hypocrite, even more than the hypocrite I've been at times in my life. I don't know who I'm supposed to talk to about this either. There are so many churches and clergypersons, I couldn't possibly pick one to counsel with. I really am grateful for every day I get. But there's this nagging sensation that to submit to a fully appreciative way of living would somehow rob me of happiness or joy. And that can't be true. There has to be a way for me to live in a way that pleases God and myself, and where I'm not a lying hypocrite. I continue to work on finding that way.


GrizzBabe said...

I feel like my time and money and lifestyle are things I've always had total control over, and surrendering any or all of that control is scary.

You are not alone. This is something I still struggle with every day, every minute of my life. The art of surrender is not something you get right the first time. Like everything else in life, it's a skill that develops over time.

James Burnett said...

Wow, this was a deep post, bro. That really is a struggle.

My pops is a minister. He'd argue to you - as he has to me - that the full submission would kill two birds with one stone: bring you closer to God and thereby make you happier.

But that's all easier said than done. I mostly subscribe to his brand of religion/spirituality. I was raised w/it. And later, through my own comparative process, I decided it was right for me. And still, I can't bring myself to fully relinquish control to a spiritual entity. I feel bad about that sometimes. But, like you, I know too many people who go through the motions just because, but don't really feel any of what they practice.