That was the sentence my fiancee said to me a few weeks ago when I was running down the list of excuses I have relating to why I am not currently pursuing a broadcasting career as I claim that I want to. It stopped me in my tracks. I sat in silence for a few minutes after she said it, and I'm sure she was wondering what was going through my mind. I just kept thinking how breaking into broadcasting is the thing I think about every day, dream about every day, the thing that I want as much as anything. Hell, I listen to three to six hours of sports podcasts daily while working, listening to different styles and rhythms, comparing what I want to do with what's being done successfully right now. There's a lot that can be said about why I'm not taking any steps right now to achieve this dream, but the last thing I thought anyone would say is that it's not something I want bad enough.
The truth is, I'm a pussy and I'm scared to jump into anything that is uncertain and unfamiliar and doesn't have a clear path to guaranteed success. That doesn't mean I don't want it bad enough. It means that, just like my pursuit of any woman or any job or any material possession, I am very careful when I don't have a clear path carved out to something because I'm so afraid of the unknown, not to mention failing spectacularly. (I have to write a post at a later date about all of the comically tragic things I did in a vain attempt to pursue my junior high school crush.) This fear is a bad thing, I realize, but like any other bad habit, it takes a tremendous amount of hard work to overcome it, and I haven't overcome it yet. I have to keep thinking about my successes in order to keep myself from falling into the depressing rut that I used to be in. There was a time six to twelve years ago that going back to school was not something I wanted to try for fear of failure, that proposing to a woman was laughable because I couldn't imagine anyone saying yes to me, that even taking a role speaking out at meetings at my job was something I couldn't see myself doing. I've done all those things in the last few years, so I'm getting there. But to overcome my fear of failure and fear of not being good enough to take the next steps needed to pursue a broadcasting career, it's going to take a monumental surge of self-esteem. That's because I don't have any contacts in the industry, so my next step will have to be some kind of leap of faith. The way I see it, I will either have to start my own webcast and hope that a dozen people someday listen to it, or I will have to intern at a radio station and hope that someone takes the time to help me break in. But that's not something I have the time to do because I am living check to check and I can't sacrifice the forty hours I work per week, and I'd like to keep my weekend hours free in pursuit of a side job to help pay my bills. It was in the midst of running down this list that my fiancee flatly said, "You don't want it bad enough."
So that's what's up with me right now. I'm square in the middle of this spot in my life where I want to go higher, but I have absolutely no idea how. It sucks. I even briefly considered looking into an opening in Tampa, a place I've never been in my life, for a P.A. announcer for Tampa Bay Rays baseball games. If I wasn't engaged and I could leave my job, who knows. All I can do is hope that I figure out my next move soon and gather the gumption to actually make that move. But anyone reading this, make no mistake: I may have a ton of reasons why I'm not on the air right now, but lack of desire is not one of them.