Today I turn 29 years old. Yikes.
Next year I will turn 30. With nothing to show for my life.
Now, that's no one's fault but mine. I realize this. It's still depressing as hell, but I know that we all get out of life what we put into it, and I haven't put shit into my life. But with the impending loss of my job and the full load of classes that I will take next semester, I am moving forward and making strides in an attempt to make something of myself. I may come up short ultimately, as usual, but if I don't put forth the effort how will I know?
This is turning into the year of sweeping the trash out of my life. It started with the Karen situation in March. Then I put my trust in Sarah's hands, and got squashed for my efforts. I fooled around with a woman I worked with this summer, and I bought her a present for her birthday a few months ago. Today, I got absolutely nothing from her. Not a gift, not a "Happy Birthday," not a fucking word. And we saw each other several times, so we didn't miss each other. I was a little hurt, a little disappointed, a little angry. What I wasn't was surprised. When I made the decisions to lay down with these walking vermin, I knew what I was getting into (except with Karen), so any bad results that occurred should not surprise me at all. We're not talking about women with great personal histories. And hell, I don't have much luck either, so the combinations were combustible from day one.
So in 2005, my resolution is to stop associating with people who I know are pieces of shit and expecting my efforts to treat them with respect and dignity to be appreciated. Karen? Obviously out of my life. Sarah? She called today, but I didn't answer or call her back. For what? As for the woman at work, I never plan to speak to her again. I have to surround myself with quality people if I expect to have a quality life. It's hard enough to focus and stay straight. It's much harder when your support group consists of whores and dirtbags and selfish people who care about no one but themselves.
My next blog will be after I return from Lexington for New Year's with Jane. Wish me luck.