"You're not going to write a big, angry blog about this, are you?" asked "Shelley" as she told me over the phone last night that she doesn't have time to see me anymore. "No," I told her. And I told the truth--this is not a big angry blog entry. It's a short mournful entry, and it's a precursor to a longer, more detailed entry at a later date when I'm ready to reveal all of the elements of our "relationship." It's a doozy, and it really was the last straw as far as making me realize that I can either allow everyone to walk all over me for the rest of my life or I can enjoy life while I have it and let everything else fall into place. I had not heard from Shelley for two weeks while she was supposedly in Michigan with her roommate's family. And I didn't give a fuck. Let's just say that I know that she spends some of her free time sucking and fucking other guys, and once I found that out, it was a slap in the face. I was doing the usual shit that I do when I'm seeing a woman--giving her everything I have, taking whatever abuse or neglect that she gave me and being understanding, being faithful (unless I feel abandoned and alone, which is how I felt the other two times I cheated)--and this time with Shelley, it was rock bottom. When I say I gave her everything, I gave her everything, but because I'm not a debonair wine connoisseur who shoves my cock down her throat, she never respected me. But she couldn't throw me away like she wanted to because I paid for everything, and she wasn't used to the treatment. Then she made her big score, and now my financial future is fucked, all because I wanted to make her happy. What was her big score? I'll talk about it in a future post, after I've gotten over the fact that she has nude pictures of herself and so many fetishes and ways that she gets off, and I, the guy she was dating for the last three months, never knew about any of that until I discovered those things on my own. "When you want something, you gotta take it," she explained to me last night as she told me how much of a turn-off it was that I didn't attack her and grab her and throw her on my bed and try to kiss her even though she told me that she felt cheap when I tried to kiss her because she didn't have to "shove her tongue down my throat" to show that she liked me. Bottom line: I was never what she was looking for and I was never what she wanted, because, repeat after me:
WOMEN DON'T WANT NICE GUYS, THEY WANT ASSHOLES.
And she is why I am a free man today, why I am doing whatever I want to do from now on, why I am dating whomever I choose to date and not handing my heart over on a silver platter ever again, why I am living for the moment from now on. Or, as one of her favorite lines from the musical Rent goes, "No day like today." I may be a little mad at her now, but I am a damn good man, and it's her loss that she didn't treat me better, but in the end, I have a whole new outlook as a result of my time with her. Someday when I'm bailing her out of jail, perhaps I will thank her for that.