Saturday, July 17, 2010
Yet Another Failure
So I just saw that the radio station that I auditioned for a few weeks ago chose its Final Four, and obviously, I ain't one of them. Now, I'm no stranger to dealing with failure, but this newest one comes on the heels of a conversation I had with my fiancee a few days ago. She started counseling sessions with a therapist, and she has identified an issue in her life that needs immediate attention. It's her inclination to help people to a fault, to excess, where she ends up being parental and overbearing, giving unsolicited advice and possibly gaining a sense of self-worth in "being there" for people. She thinks she needs to curtail this activity for her own mental health. The problem for me is, I believe that I need that kind of person in my life for moments just like this, where I'm feeling no self-worth and I would love for someone to smother me with advice and love, or just for someone to give a fuck about me. I think that I'm sitting here at 34 with nothing to show for my life partially because I have major problems motivating myself, and I need someone to take charge and motivate me when I'm feeling down. She doesn't think that should be her job, and it shouldn't, but it doesn't mean that it's not what I need. We have also been having dialogue about how difficult it is to be in a long distance relationship, and that's an issue as well. I explained to her how hard it is to get up in the morning and go through my typical workday with no one there for me, even though I'm supposed to be engaged to someone. I got the sense that she didn't quite understand how difficult it can be for me. Maybe she doesn't feel the same difficulty. I find the following irony almost humorous: I'm here alone at home feeling as low as it gets because I failed at something (the talk show audition) yet again, days after explaining to my fiancee that it feels sometimes like no one's there for me...and she and I usually talk every Saturday morning at this time to connect and catch up, but she's unavailable today due to job commitments. The worst part is, I don't know what the hell I would expect her to do about what I'm feeling even if she were here or on the phone with me. I'd still feel like the loser that I am, and I might even take offense at her if she tried too hard to convince me that I'm not a loser because I would feel like she was ignoring the fact that I am a loser and was just trying to placate me. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be getting married. I've got so many issues that are nowhere near resolution--financial, career, emotional stability, personal self-esteem. I still feel like I wouldn't have been ready for a woman in my life right before I met my fiancee. The question on my mind sometimes is, was I really ready when I did meet her? Will I ever be ready? What's wrong with me???