Regression

Crazy week. Monday I went to O'Hare Airport and met a sweet woman who visited Chicago all the way from Europe. She was going to meet a guy from the internet group that I was a member of (actually the same group I met "Torrie" in), but that didn't work out. Apparently the guy wasn't trying to hide his interest in meeting others as well. So she made the trip anyway just to see America, and she stayed over in Chicago Monday before spending a couple of weeks in Houston with friends of her family. She was everything I can't find in American women--genuinely nice, not looking to take advantage of anyone, thinks highly of me despite the weight...of course she wasn't coming to meet me, she was coming to meet some asshole, so in that respect she's just like American women. But she was very grateful that I came to meet her because she didn't think that many guys who were not going to knock boots with her would have done that, and she's probably right. But she has chatted with me through IM many many times telling me to keep my head up, and she is a true sweetheart, so I had no problem meeting her. It was my pleasure. Tuesday I started school, but for the second day I came up to the school expecting to get my bus pass and was told to come back. So Wednesday I went up there at 8A because if I didn't get my pass Wednesday, I would have had to go through student services to get it mailed to me, and that may have taken a couple of weeks. I was pissed because I had a job fair at 11A on the near west side, and since they started doing passes at 10A, I had to hope that they got around to me in time for me to get out of there and make the job fair in time. And believe me, with all of the bitching and moaning that I do when things don't go my way, when I got out of there with my pass, made it to the train stop just as the train was arriving, and made it to the job fair at 10:55A, I made sure to thank whatever force was responsible for me threading the needle and pulling that stunt off. The fair seemed to go well, there were more construction and warehouse jobs there than anything, but there were some office jobs as well. The woman in charge announced right off the bat that they would look at everyone's form/resume and decide who could be interviewed for potential jobs that day and who would have to come back some other time, and I was interviewed that day. I think it went well. On my way to classes that very night, J.P. Morgan Chase called me on my cell phone and told me to come in for an interview for a data processing job next Thursday, so those of you reading who don't hate me (all three of you), wish me luck. Then yesterday was the funeral for one of my grandmother's brothers, the one who owned the house I grew up in, and because our household had zero income with me, my sick mother, my grandmother who didn't work and later became sick thanks to lung cancer, and her deceased sister's daughter who had Down's Syndrome, who knows where we would have lived if not for the man I called Uncle T.C. So I felt I had to go pay my respects. Then I went to class, and let's just say that it was a little hard to concentrate after attending a funeral.

So now I'm home all weekend, or at least I don't plan to leave the house. And I now have to face the current situation, one that I have not wanted to think about, but I have no choice. In perhaps as little as a week, I have to regress and move back with my family. I couldn't get to sleep for four hours last night mostly sweating that predicament. It totally goes against everything I'm trying to do with myself mentally, trying to gain self-esteem and confidence. Hard to do when you gotta move back in with your folks at the age of 30. I'm supposed to be a grown-up. This ain't what grown-ups do. It's bad enough not having a car or a job. Soon, I'm not going to have a pot to piss in. I'm moving with my family even if I get a job in the next week or two because it would take at least a month for me to save some money from the job to be able to get my own crib again. But I would definitely get out after I save that money, so I won't be there very long, hopefully. It's just pathetic that I have to do this at all. I haven't made the move yet, and already I'm not dealing with it well. The first time I have to use the bathroom and can't because someone else is in there, I will have to strongly fight the urge to dig an outhouse in the back yard on the spot because I am not used to waiting on anything. This year may be my most challenging yet, because it may serve to be my most humbling. Character building, those who don't have to go through this shit may call it.

My uncle's house is not an option anymore, because they were going to shoehorn me into a very small room in the basement since my old bedroom is taken now, and I have better options as far as size goes: My aunt's basement, or maybe my own pad, a basement in a building that my aunt owns, but I'm avoiding that option because she tells me that there's no shower or bath in that place (I would have to go upstairs and bug the neighbors to get clean, and that doesn't sound fun at all). My aunt lives on the west side, so the only benefit from going there would be potentially seeing "Grace" more since she lives close to the area, but Grace and I have been so busy, we don't talk much anyway, so I don't know what that future holds. That shouldn't be a concern anyway. The reason I had not considered my aunt's house before is because my aunt can be overbearing as far as her beliefs are concerned. My uncle may be an asshole, but he would stay out of my business. My aunt will give me crap every time I'm out late or don't come home that night, or just go meet someone, for that matter, and Sunday mornings would be spent telling her 325 times that I don't want to go to church with her. And I may have to rent storage space for my porn collection and a P.O. box just to handle the Playboy subscription. But hey, grown-ups have their own place to live. They don't have to worry about that stuff. I do. I had an ad on craigslist.org begging for an understanding roommate who would realize that I haven't a dime to my name right now but would hold up my end of things eventually when I became employed. I got many responses, but I decided that if I was going to be in a living situation where I don't have any privacy and I can't have phone sex or fuck anyway, I might as well be with family and not have to pay as much or worry about trust issues or my potential roommate's sweatsock fetish that he forgot to tell me about before I moved in. So that's where I stand right now. I feel sick about it, but that's where my life is right now, and I would risk falling back into my rut of beating myself up and feeling like the future is hopeless if I dwell on it too much, so I'll stop now. All I can say is, come on Chase, give me the data processing gig ASAP.