Where one door closes, I have heard that another one opens. There may be many important doors that open as a result of today's conversation; time will tell.
"Torrie" and I have decided to end our relationship. We had a talk a few nights ago where she basically kept asking me if I wanted to continue our long-distance romance, and I kept saying, "I don't know." I wasn't man enough to straight-up dump her, but I planted seeds in her mind that I wasn't really excited about our relationship. I was hoping that she would take the hint and call me back and tell me that she doesn't want to go on, and today she did exactly that. We agreed to remain friends, but I know that will become a problem when A) she finds a new lover and I become jealous, and B) if we ever were to meet up as "just friends," because we did have a lot of physical chemistry and the urge to have sex would be tremendous. Hooking up and having sex wouldn't be such a bad thing--hell, it's the reason we got together in the first place--but the point of me dumping her is that I want more out of life than meeting a woman and fucking her and leaving. If I didn't make Torrie believe that I wanted out, we could have gone around and around in that circle for an endless amount of time. And it wouldn't be horrible, it would be two adults having great, consensual sex, and there's nothing wrong with that. It's just that there's a next step after that if one of us wants more out of a relationship than just fucking, and for me to take that next step, Torrie would have to be someone that I would want to potentially be with on a long-term basis, and by that, I mean eventually marriage. And the truth is, I would never want to marry Torrie. There are many reasons, but the most important is that I don't feel like she and I are a lifelong match. We're so different. I feel like she's still a stranger to me in some respects, and that's no surprise considering we've only met three times in our lives. But I have always figured that my future wife would be someone who I felt such a connection to physically, emotionally, and spiritually, that I would feel a magnetic force between us, drawing me towards her no matter how much I want to pull away. I've felt that before, with "Yasmine" and with a girl in eighth grade, although neither of them felt the same about me. I didn't feel that way about Torrie. And after all these years of taking whatever pussy I can get, for the first time ever I feel like I don't want to settle for just any chick that will fuck me. I want more. I want someone who I desire to be with and learn about on a possible lifetime basis, and she would want to be with and learn about me for a lifetime. I don't intend to settle for less ever again.
How much "Laurie" has to do with the way I feel is something that I cannot ignore. I have to be honest. The thought of an attractive, blonde woman insisting that she would be interested in getting together with me and that we could be soulmates makes me feel like the luckiest man in the world. I feel like something is on the horizon when I think about Laurie, something special, something that I've never felt before, something that will finally put an end to my search for someone who understands me and will love me unconditionally. Because as much as we don't want to admit it, we all want to be loved and understood, and I'm neither right now. And even when I was in previous relationships, I didn't feel loved or understood, and that's because I wasn't in those relationships because I was interested in the person, it was because the person indicated that she was desperate enough to fuck me. Now, Laurie has indicated that as well, but unlike my past lovers, she is attractive and could choose anyone to fuck, but she has not had sex in two years because she has been waiting for just the right person to become intimate with again, and she thinks that I might be that person. That makes me feel incredible. I am trying to imagine a life without Laurie simply because I needed to dump Torrie for reasons other than getting together with Laurie, but I can't help it. I want to see Laurie badly. I want to find out if we are what the other has been looking for. But hey, I could have held on to Torrie and lied to Laurie and hooked up with her while keeping Torrie on the side. I did not do that. It's important that I give myself credit for cutting Torrie loose instead of clinging onto her like she's my last hope of ever dating again, like I did when "Sarah" dumped me around this time last year. And Sarah was four million times worse than Torrie as far as qualities that I wouldn't want in a potential wife--both are loose and bisexual, but Sarah was actively fucking other women and not considering it cheating, as well as staying in the houses of "masters" overnight being a BDSM slave and getting off on it. It's unbelievable where I am mentally now compared to where I was just a year ago, or even a few months ago. I'm not all the way confident as far as walking around thinking in my head, "I know I'm going to find the woman I'm looking for because I'm the shit!" But I do not ever intend again to become intimate with a woman who I don't find attractive or morally upstanding simply because she is willing to fuck me. When I think of all the pain I could have avoided in the last couple of years from "Karen," Sarah, "Jane," and the co-worker who shall remain nameless if I would have just been honest with myself and admitted that I didn't want to be with any of them because of their looks or personality but because and only because I flirted with them and they returned the interest and I thought, "Hey! Maybe they're crazy enough to fuck me!!"...well, all I can do is shake my head and move on to the next chapter of my life a little wiser and with higher standards for myself.
Speaking of confidence, I put a beatdown on my fear of rejection and went to two different places to apply for work after Torrie and I broke up today. This is a big step for me because I haven't been on the street looking for work since I became unemployed simply because I always thought to myself, "Why would anyone want to hire me? I'm not college age and I'm uneducated." I'm starting to see things a little differently. Not a lot of confidence still, but enough to know that whatever job I go for I have ten years of work experience to testify on my behalf that I am a hard worker who gets the job done when given the opportunity, and maybe someone will see that, but only if I put my ass out there and apply for jobs. The alternative? These past nine years I've been sitting in my apartment by myself afraid to go out in the world and go for anything. Can't keep doing that. Laurie in her blog said that she tries to find five things to wake up to every day, because the alternative is turning on her car in the garage with the doors closed. That's what I've been doing. I've been sitting here separated from the world, waiting to die slowly. I don't want to die anymore. And for that, even if she and I never get together, I owe Laurie unlimited thanks. But it's up to me to take it from here and live my life without fear. A daunting task for sure, but now more than ever, I feel like I'm ready to give it a shot.
And notice, no updates on Karen. She can be getting gangbanged by 400 niggers right now. I just don't give a fuck anymore. What a great feeling.